So here we are I'm bugged out about not being in school again, and trying to figure out what to do next. One thing I did know was that I needed to get away for a while things were too nuts at home. Despite retirement benefits that were supposed to afford us extra money things were getting tighter. She had also taken what at the time I was told was just a temporary thing getting a job at walmart. This is also around the time of the impending nuptuals of my friend Adam and his Canadian bride Kelly. The wedding was to be in her hometown of Clinton, Ontario. ROADTRIP!!!! I have to say it was a blast Canada rocks and I look forward to seeing more of it one day soon, the wedding was lovely , and being around my closest friends for a few days was great it really took me out of my head and let me breathe for a while. When I got back however my mother informed me that I had to find a job and soon. This wasn't unexpected but the way she said it made me feel like she thought I was just trying to be a mooch or something and I didn't like that. So the job search begins and its not going to great, and after a few weeks my mom tells me that I have until next week to find a job or I had to return to working at Echostar. This really upset me because she knew how much I hated working there, but that didn't matter I just had to get a job. It was perfectlly okay for me to be someplace where I was miserable, but if I even mentioned her going back to her previous job at the board of education or even at Hosanna House she wouldn't here of it because she just couldn't work somewhere that made her that miserable. So let me get this straight you can't but its okay for me...right. Fortunately I got a job at Radio Shack which I will say wasn't the best experience but certainly not the worst. I found out a few things while working there number one was that I didn't know anywhere near as much as I thought I did about alot of things like transistors and circuit boards, and I still knew way way too much about satellite tv. The thing that made radio shack not so great was the pay and the policies. You had to sell a certain amount per hour in order to make commision primarily cell phones was where the money was at. Honestlly though this was easier said than done due to that store with the exception of maybe the holidays wasn't very busy and generally people just wanted to buy batteries. Also if your sales weren't great it would result in your hours being cut. Part of the problem is I waltzed in there thinking I was going to be the man right away. For some odd reason it slipped my mind that initially at my previous sales jobs I struggled at first before finding a groove and becomeing one of the better sales people. After a while with my financial situation not getting any better and a few other issues i decided to look for a new job. This time it was easier I got a job at Whole Foods Market which is one of the places I applied to before radio shack, and had been wanting to work for for quite some time. I was and still am down with their mission and values. It was one of the more fun and more comfortable places I've worked. I met some really cool people and found out I had quite a bit in common with several of them. There are even a few people who I had friendships with outside of work. One thing about me is generally I don't like to see people who I work with outside of work. I like to keep my work life and private life seperate, but sometimes people are so cool or I like them so much I am willing to break that rule. So work is cool and all but stuff at home isn't. I may have forgotten to mention that not too long beforemy mother said she was thinking about selling the house because of our financial situation. She told me not to worry she doesn't think it'll come to that but its an option she will look into. The truth is that I could tell in her voice thats exactly what was going to happen. Sure enough the house is going up on the market, and she is still working at wal mart. This woman who has a masters and phd is working at wal mart making around 1000 dollars a month. At one point it was 8000 dollars a month if not more, but due to the fact that being a cashier didn't require as much effort or thinking she was okay with that. Once again this is not something the mother I had when I was growing would have settled for, and I know for a fact if I even tried to say that was okay I would've gotten a speach about never settling for less. So she decided to put it on me that I had to be the one to have the house cleaned and ready to be shown and if it wasn't clean it couldn't be show. So I didn't do it. Not just because I didn't want too but I was hoping she would come to her senses and do something about it. Everytime I would bring up getting a better job it would be the same argument. "I don't want to write grants anymore" and I would say "Nobody is telling you too do that I know how much you hated it but there is so much other stuff you could do you even said you had thought about going back to teaching" then she would say "Ok I'll look into it" or something to that effect and then nothing would happen. So things aren't exactly wonderful at this point. However something else happened during this time that was very positive. Now I said earlier that with a few exceptions here and there I don't like letting people I work with into my personal life. Well I met and exception in the form of young lady who worked in my department. I will omit her name because the people who need to know already know who I mean. Anyways I didn't really get to work with her that much because she was part time and in school but one night the store closed early due to bad weather. One of the other guys I worked with who I did hang out with after work Orlando was getting a ride home with her since she lived close by. Now at this time Orlando and I had no idea we lived only a few blocks from each other but that night I found out and she offered me a ride too. So I said yes and we talked for a moment but I got on out because it was cold and I knew she wanted to get home. So a few days later at work she and I strike up a conversation oddly enough about star wars. I couldn't beleive it a girl who is into star wars in my lifetime to that point I'd only met one and that was my friend Colin's girlfriend. So we talked about other stuff and actually our supervisors had to tell us to talk later seeing as were kind of ignoring our actual job. So the more I talk to this woman the more I like her and the more I see we have in common. So for the first time ever I actually muster up the courage and I asked her to see a movie with me it was the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, and have dinner with me afterwards. This didn't go all the way according to plan as one of her friends called her on the day we were supposed to do this (later i found out it was a friend of mine from the past) and said she was leaving and wanted her to come over. It wasn't a total loss we just took a rain check on dinner and still went to the movie. We wound up going to another movie not too too long after and going to dinner as well. That night we talked for hours it was great I had never ever felt so comfortable around a woman before. We went for ice cream that night too which was also fun and then talked more. We had alot in common it turns out. Both of us have a relationship with jesus and grew up in the church as well, both big music fans albeit we do have somewhat different taste, both extremely talkative people thats for sure, movies and all other kinds of stuff. We also started talking on the phone a bit too Usually I would call her but sometimes she would call me too. It wasn't long before I came to realize I definitely had feelings for her, and decided I need to tell her. So I decided to invite her over for dinner and a movie at my house I figured it would be a good setting. I also heard that women like a man who can cook and I've been told I am a good cook by more than one person. So she agrees to come over and I cooked and I can honestlly say that this meal except for one dish I made sucked. I really tanked this time around on the cooking but she was kind enough not too say so but I could see it in her face and I thought so too honestlly. Moving on we go ahead and watch the movie and have some ice cream too. We watched the fighting temptations which was a really fun movie. Afterwards we talked for a bit but she said she needed to go because she had some work to do. I could feel my chance slipping away then i finally blurted out wait. She looked at me and my stomach knotted up really bad but I managed in a long drawn out way to tell her that I liked her I liked her alot, and I didn't want to miss an opportunity. I asked her if she would be interested in a romantic relationship too. She said she likes me too its been fun getting to know eachother, and she has thought about it, but with school and everything else she doesn't think she can be in that type of relationship right now, and wants to continue being friends and see what happens down the line. She also said that in a relationship she likes to put alot of effort and time into it and doesn't feel like she can do that right now and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. She then asked if that was ok and I said no but I guess for now it has to be, and I care about her enough that I will take her however I can get her for now. So our friendship continued from there we'd still talk on the phone and spend some time when we could. She honestlly did and still does have a very very hectic schedule. I don't know how on earth she handles it really but she does. So things were difficult but not all bad. Unfortunately the things that were bad were on there way to getting worse.

Too be continued....again....

Okay here we go again I left off on my decision to return to pittsburgh for a semester. As I said it seemed like a good idea at the time. When I informed my mother of my plans she was fine with it and said she understood. She said I could come home but as long as I was home I had to either be in school or working. In addition I had to keep my room clean, take out the garbage, do my own laundry and make sure I cleaned up after myself in the kitchen. I'd say that was more than fair so I complied. Spring semester begins at ccac I'm taking a distance learning course and a few classes on campus too. I started off pretty good I mean I was happy to be home and away from the craziness at VUU. I reconnected with my friends up here actually became pretty good friends with my best friend Colin's girlfriend Ann as well since she was at the same campus. However my heart and mind were still not in school and before long I was failing all but one class. Also in that semester it came to my attention that my mother had not kept up with my tuition payments so I was unable to see my grades. The reason for this was that a few month prior my mother had left her job at the board of education and instead went into business for herself with her two major contracts belonging to Hossana House and our church Covenant Church of Pittsburgh. She also would take other short term contracts from the likes of the Urban League and others. However unknown to me at this time the cash flow wasn't as consistant as it had been in recent years more on that later in the story. At the end of the semester I decided that it wasn't fair to me to keep fooling myself into beleiving I could ignore the issues and they would go away, and also it was unfair to my mom to keep spending money for my education with me not putting in the effort. It was a waste. So I informed my mom that I would at least a semester off of school and just work and try and get my mind right again. So after a brief period as a knife salesman I got my first ever full time job with Echostar Communications. Echostar was the customer service side of Dish Network Sattelite Tv. It seemed so cool I mean going from minimum wage to 9 bucks an hour. Then I got my first paycheck and man I couldn't have been more excited I had never ever made that much money at once. Needless to say I went on a spending spree I mean I bought cd's, dvd's, video games, shoes, clothes. I had a ball man it was fun. However shortly after training was done at this company and I was on the floor full time I began to realize something. This job sucks it was terrible. Call after call the same issues over and over and over. People upset at you because they didn't pay their bill, and I could go on for hours about what some of their customers are like but I won't. However After maybe a month or two I came to the realization that if these are the kind of jobs I have too look forward too if I don't get my degree then I have got to get back in school ASAP. So I figured hey I am ready now I'll let mom know, and we'll get this bill straightened out with ccac and I'll jump into the fall semester. Well as it turns out it didn't work out that way. One day I step out of the house to go to work and notice my car is gone. My first thought is why did mom take my car today but then I notice hers isn't there either. So naturally I think my car was stolen but nope it had been repo'd because my mother was behind on the payments so naturally I was pissed off at her. Shortly after my mom decides that I have to take over the payments for the car. Around the same time she gets rid of the car she was leasing at the time and we are left with just my car. She decides however that she is going to be the primary driver of the car till she gets another. So now I am paying for a car that I barely get to drive....right. So with that and my mom's either inability or unwillingness to pay ccac led to me staying at echostar longer than anticipated. So here it is about a year I've been at echostar when I only planned on spending six months max at this place. I was sooo miserable at this place. I don't think they treat the employees well at all, and I also felt like I could and should be doing better things with my life. I'm sure I wasn't the only one in fact I know I wasn't. A good thing that came out of it is that I made friends with a guy named Van Bey. Nicest guy you'll ever meet some people say he and I are so much alike we could be related, and I take that as a compliment. Anyways not too long after I met him I find out that he is about to be engaged to a wonderful woman by the name of Elysha, and once it becomes official he ask me to be in the wedding. Needless to say I jumped at the chance. As wierd as it sounds my friends wedding was one of the highlights of my life. I got to be a part of something wonderful. I have never met two people who were more right for eachother, and have never seen anyone that happy in my entire life. I saw this and I knew that this is what I want what I need. I want that type of happiness. The reception or after party as I like to refer to it as was an absolute blast, and it really took me out of my head for a while and allowed me to just enjoy myself something I hadn't done in a long time. If memory serves it was either the end of december or beginning of january and I finally paid off my car i also managed to put together about a thousand dollars that I was going to use to pay back CCAC and register for at least one class. I was trying to take command of things finally instead of waiting on my mom or someone else to do it for me. Then boom my car starts overheating badly so i take it to my mechanic he replaces the thermostat and checks the radiator and its all good, but the car still overheats. The issue it turned out was the head gasket. On most cars this was fairly easy to replace but not for mine. Apparentlly with the type of engine I had it would require them to completely disassemble the engine to get to the thing and then of course put it all back together. Very few mechanics are willing to do this kind of thing and when they found one who would the price for the service including parts and labor was $980.oo all but $20.00 of my savings. So right back where I started. So this made me feel as though any efforts were going to be futile towards going back to school so I did what had become normal for me when I was upset or whatever. I bought stuff. Looking back this solved nothing and it only felt good for a little while. So once again I let circumstance defeat me. All I would've had to do was bite the bullet and at least pay back what I owed the school so I could register with no problem for summer and then fall classes. Live and learn I guess. All in all what should've been a 6 month stint lasted two years. It was honestly such a wonderful day when I finally quit Echostar I was registered for the fall semester of 2004 and looking forward too it. I had not been that excited about school since my freshman year of college. I mean this was a complete turnaround from the guy who just didn't care, I was almost salivating at the thought of classes not too mention going to the same school as one of my best friends and being able to hang out like we did in high school. I did the best I have ever done in school that semester I pulled a 3.9 GPA and got myself back on the deans list. It was glorious man I never thought I was capable of that too be honest with you. Spring semester rolls around and since I am in school full time and not working my mom agrees to pay for classes where as in the first semester I made the first payment we split the second and she did all of the third since I was out of money by then. So I'm registered and the payment numero uno is made. I got off to kind of a slow start this time around because I honestly was very tired because of some stuff that I had to do on vacation. So I figured I'd take it easy for a week or two and then go full tilt from there. However my mom saw this and just assumed that I was falling back into my old habits which just wasn't the case. Not at first anyways. The thing is by the end of my first week and a half my mom showed a complete and utter lack of faith in me. Despite what I had done that last semester she just assumed I was giving up again. As you may be able to tell by now I am not the most confident person in the world and unfortunately my confidence can be shaken rather easily at times. The fact that she lost faith in me had me start questioning myself and second guessing everything I did. In addition to this I was taking a probability and statistics class that was kicking my butt. I did put effort into this class but not the amount required for me to do well. I half assed it yet again and I paid for it. I did alright in my other classes but still not as well as I could've and now knew beyond a shadow of a doubt was capable of. Towards the end of the semester I went to obtain a copy of my schedule because I needed something with my student ID number on it. However I found out that my account was locked. My mom had not made any further payments other than the initial payment to register. It happened again, and I was furious. She in fact told me that she did make the payment although now she doesn't remember saying that at all. Before I go any further I need to explain something. My mother told me she was going to take early retirement because she just didn't want to do her job anymore, and also her retirement benefits would bring in some extra money and help us out and help me go to school. During the time I was working at echostar also it was subtle but I began noticing changes in my mother. Out of love and some remaining respect for her I won't go into detail, but I will say this woman and the mother I grew up with were two vastly different people. This was especially hard to deal with due to the fact that through out my entire life up to this point my mother has been the one constant. She was the person I knew no matter what was there for me no questions asked. Even when I was starting to try and become more independant in my teen years deep down inside I knew she was the one I could depend on. Now not so much. She seemed at times more interested in getting over on me rather than helping me. Rather than encouragement I got guilt trips, and threats. My mom always had a tendency to be overbearing but that just seems to be a mom thing. Now alot of things she was doing just made no sense at all, and it was hurting both of us. I'm not even going to say I was perfect through all of this or I was an a perfect little Angel and she was the supreme evil one nope not at all. But bad decision after bad decision after bad decision an extreme level of stubborness that had never been exhibited before, and just some damn bad luck may have broken some things beyond repair.


Too Be Continued.....

I often think to myself "man I wish I would've done this differentlly" or "how could i let that person get to me like that", or if only I had done this better instead of half assing it where would I be now". To some although not many I can imagine you think things can't be that bad well to understand why I feel the way I do about my life you would have to know how I got here so here in a nutshell is my story. Its winter turning into spring 1999 I'm a Senior at Cheswick Christian Academy, and for the first time ever I am actually somewhat enjoying school. I'm getting along pretty well with everyone most of the time, I'm back on the basketball team things at home are cool for the most part. I also went on my first and sadly up until last year my only date to my prom.Then a slight bump in the road due to a complete and utter lack of effort I am failing bible class and barely passing the others. Its a shame really I'm a christian I should at least be passing bible but nope I wasn't however my teacher Mr. Rosio who I guess saw some potential in me throws me a bone and says if i do i believe it was three extra credit oral presentations as well as get an A on the final he will pass me and allow me to graduate. So naturally and also with much shall we say motivation from my mother I did the projects got an A on the final and graduated on time. In the course of these events I determined on my own that I was not ready to go away to college yet I needed to take at least a year to mature some more and get a good feel for what college was like so I enrolled at ccac. Good plan actually as it turns out I love college I was finally learning something new, I had more spare time than I knew what do with also I mean some days I was done by noon and I'd just do my homework and then just chill the rest of the day. I also got my liscense and my first car during this period which was fantastic. Most importantlly I realized I'm a pretty smart guy after all my teachers in k-12th weren't blowing smoke I really did have potential. I found out by putting minimal effort in I could get by pretty nicely in classes. So the next semester I decided to put even more effort in and made the deans list. The kid who barely made it out of high school was on the deans list. After this I decided I was ready to strike out on my own somewhat and move from under the watchful eye of my mother. I applied and was accepted to virginia union university a historically black college in richmond virginia. This was always the plan as I had seen VUU on a college tour when I was a junior in high school and was pretty taken with the school. So here comes move in day I get to the dorms and frankly I'm not impressed I'm actually having 2nd thoughts but then I think to myself I've seen what the dorms are like at Pitt this'll do. So move in goes pretty smooth I meet my roomate later in the day real nice guy from Queens New York, he and I get along well I wouldn't say we were good friends but we were cool and respected each others space and thats all you really need in a roomie. So classes begin and I am needless to say excited I'm finally at college its like a dream I'm thinkin its gonna be like one of my favorite shows growing up "A Different World". Well that wasn't exactly the case. I'm sorry to say that most of my brothers and sisters at the school were concerned with three things alcohol sex and drugs. I tried not to let it phase me but it was unerving because this was the image I had of Pitt, IUP, and Penn State not and HBCU. Moving on though classes were cool but the math class I had was easily one of the most difficult things I had ever encountered but between studying and tutoring i eeked out a C in the class. Unfortunately I got too comfortable in my dorm room and with my new friends Roderick, Gamal, James, and Eddie. I stopped going to class and doing homework I just wanted to play videogames and surf the net and occasionally walk to Virginia Commonwealth Universities campus nearby. So I failed my business class and Literature class huge dissapointment end of semester. Spring rolls around and its time for round 2 a few minor changes happend. Eddie has some financial issues so he stays home my original roomie Enos moved into the honors dorm but he deserved so i wasn't mad and so to prevent getting a roomie i don't want my friend gamal moves into my room....what an adventure that was. So new semester begins I get to take an art class retake my business class and take the next level of the math class and blah blah blah. Something is wrong this semester first i get so sick i am delirious and wind up missing a few test but since in my delirious state i did not have the foresight and possiblly the ability to go the infirmary I had no exscuse and therefore had to take failing grades on the test. Fast forward a little bit later in the semester for reasons still unclear to me I developed i severe case of depression it got so bad that I actually litearlly quit. I quit living I didn't go to class or hang with my friends I just stayed in bed and got up only to go to the bathroom and eat when i felt like it. The worst of it lasted for about 2 weeks but then i finally went back to class and explained what happened to some of my proffesors and they were pretty understanding and gave me the opportunity to catch up to a degree but I still wasn't right and didn't put forth enough effort. In fact in the business course we had to do what they titled a scavenger hunt which honestly to this day I still think was a stupid idea but oh well. We were supposed to go to different areas of richmond like the cultural district the childrens museum among other things and take pictures or get souvenirs and write up descriptions of them and turn them in...this was a fairly big chunk of our grades. Well in the 1st semester I never even attempted to do it so when I retook th class you'd think I would've went ahead and gotten it done....nope well almost. My mother had come down a few days early to help me pack and make moving back home as easy as possible she could tell something was wrong with me. Mothers seem to have a talent for that. She eventually got it out of me all that had been going on and I told her that I just wasn't going to do the project it was pointless and there was no way I could finish in time. I couldn't have been more wrong. We put off packing and got the entire thing done in a day and turned in the next morning, and I managed to pass that class somehow. Sadly I failed just about everything else. However due to my credits and gpa from ccac my gpa only fell to a 2.0 so I was on academic probation due to my performance but I would have to tank really really bad the next semester in order to be in danger of being expelled. Now its summer and I have alot to think about there is a class that I decide to take so I can get out of having to deal with a certain teacher at VUU. The class is Biology I take it at CCAC. Too most it would seem like a good idea to knock the class out of the way but for me it wasn't my mind was not where it needed to be for me to be in school not at all. So I tanked again and due to this I don't even tell VUU that I took the class and they wouldn't have accepted a failing grade anyways. Now summer was short because for some reason VUU decided that upperclassmen need to return on august 9th of that year. Meanwhile I am all the time during the summer thinking to myself I am not ready to go back to school I need time to figure out whats going on with me and get my head right again. I made the cardinal mistake though of not telling my mother this, and at that time she was probablly the one person who could've helped me get ready or at least withdrawn me from school so I could take the time I needed, but I chose to stay silent and suffered for it. This semester was doomed from the start. Now the school had a policy that if you wanted to guarantee housing on campus you had to have it paid by a certain date and if you wanted to reserve a specific room you had to have it in earlier. So my mother and I made sure that we had the payment in because even though i kind of wanted to live off campus that would've cost more money than my mom was willing to spend and i didn't really relish the idea of working full time and going to school just to live off campus. So over the summer I am waiting and waiting for my housing confirmation and quite a few times called the school and inquired if everything was ok with housing. Each time it was the same answer "don't worry you had your reservation in on time we're just really behind getting those mailed out you should have it before you get down here for the fall semester". I was dumb enough to believe them. When we get down there I go through the whole check in process I go sign in get my new id picture taken and ask for my room assignment fully expecting that myself and my previous roomie Gamal would be in the same dorm we had before. They sent me over to the dorm and I ask for the keys and my name isn't on the list. Surely there must be a mistake here. I go to the housing office and find an extremely long line with quite a few familiar faces and a few unfamiliar ones too. they hurd us into the auditorium and say we'll explain everythhing in a few moments. Several hours later they come in and tell us that the school excepted a record number of freshmen due to the lowering the academic standards to get in and they did not have enough room for the upperclassmen because of this. However they procured off campus apartments for us the one bedroom apartments would have two in them and they had some two bedroom apartments that would have 4 people living in them at once. How lovely. So I figure well at least I can try and get Gamal or Roderick to be one of the roomies since i was assigned to a two bedroom. However the school somehow lost Gamal's transcripts and his record of payment so at that moment he was not eligible for housing or anything else. I call Roderick because he isn't down yet he wasn't going to be able to leave until the next day and ask him if its okay if I sign him up for that apartment and I explain to him all that went down. He says okay so I signed his name for him. So I move in to the apartment and meet my two roomates Lamar and Larry who preffered to be known as Junior. Nice enough guys but I still couldn't wait for Roderick to get down there so I at least had someone I knew down there. Sadly I find out a few days later that Rod won't be coming to VUU that semester due to the fact that the school forgot they actually forgot to file his financial aid forms for that semester so rather than force his family into bankruptcy he chose to sit out the semester and work. Good decision honestly. Gamal got his stuff straightened out but was assigned to another apartment building. Fine as it turns out I get a room to myself which I have to say was friggin sweet. It also turns out Lamar and I have a decent amount in common and get along well, and Junior while he was into some stuff that I wasn't was respectful enough not to do it around me. So it was all good for a time. I was dissapointed to find out that a few of my favorite proffesors that I was looking forward to taking classes with had either left the school or were "asked" to retire, but I figured oh well still some I like and a few new ones who I can give a chance. So the semester starts off alright I'm kinda sorta trying to put some effort in but not really, and I didn't waste anytime missing classes cuz oh darn i missed the shuttle to campus or eh it wasn't anything important today in class. In fact at one point there was one class I missed so many times I actually forgot I was in it. I'll repeat that. I forgot I was in a class how incredibly beyond lazy and stupid can someone be. Here is the thing there is no exscuse for this. Part of me wishes I could say well its because I was drinking alot or I got into drugs but its not. I have never done drugs and I was still under 21 so I didn't drink either. I had come to the point where I stopped caring I just wanted to do my own thing forget the consequences. I did end up dropping the class before it was too late though. It is easily one of the lowest points of my life it still just surreal that I actually did that. Now on top of this the biology teacher I was trying to avoid I got stuck with. This poor exscuse for a human being by the name of Dr. Chambers. He ranks easily in the top 3 of the worst teachers I have ever had. This man on the first day of class said to us "The first course I taught at this school I had 28 students 25 of which failed so I have no issue failing any of you". That just filled all of us with confidence the man basically said most of you are going to fail and I am going to enjoy it (he was smirking when he said the previous statement). In most cases he was less than helpful and his arrogance really got too me. However me bening the genius I was at the time decided that I'd show him by not doing any of the reading or studying...thus making him right. Again I say I am not proud of this I was an idiot and I also want to reiterate that I should not have been in school then. Then depression began to rear its ugly head I think its because at that time deep down inside I was wasting a wonderful opportunity and i knew I should've stayed home. Then bad news I find out from my father he has prostate cancer and will have to undergo surgery this really ate me up. My father and I don't have the greatest relationship but I love him period he is still my dad and this had me really really worried. Not too many days after this I hear a rumor that Aaliyah had died in a plane crash I figured it was a lie seeing as just a few weeks earlier everyone was saying Eminem was killed in a car crash. The later that night I found out that the Aaliyah rumor was true she really was dead. Now I have never met Aaliyah, never been to one of her concerts, and despite honestly really liking her music never owned any of her cd's. Yet for some reason I took it really really hard for some reason I felt as if I sustained a major major loss. My emotions were just really out of control at this point and my mind was everywhere but school. Meanwhile I did have a good art teacher whom I liked alot and I did put forth a little bit of effort in his class and I gave a mild effort in my business class and I was also thinking about how I need to really start trying again and also maybe get a job so I don't have to worry about money as much. Then one september morning I am on my way to school for a test in the management and I am listening to the Russ Parr morning show on the radio as always. I was half listening half doing some last minute studying when I thought I heard him say a plane hit a building. I look up thinking to myself ok he has done some wacky stuff but this isn't funny. Then i hear clearly. The world trade center was hit by a plane and as he was saying this the 2nd tower was hit also. I was absolutely numb I had no idea what to think. I went in and took the test anyway but my mind wasn't on it so I don't remember but I don't think I did well. Affterwards I ask my prof if she has heard any new news about the planes and she said yes that something hit the pentagon too. My heart immediately sank. My father at that time worked at the pentagon and I was afraid I had lost him. I actually between that building and the commuter lounge had made up my mind that if my father was gone I was going to join the millitaty and tell them that I want to be sent to wherever the person behind this is because I am going to be the one to kill them. We all know thats not what would've happened but if you were in my shoes you may think the same thing. Thankfully I found out he is ok and his leave for surgery started a day earlier. Now I could talk about how horrible 9-11 was all day but really other than what i've said its not that relevant to the story and honestlly it still stings to this day. Now for the first two and a half months of school despite my acadmeic career tanking by my own doing socially things were ok my roomies were cool as I mentioned before and I had a room to myself. Howerver the school decided without telling us to stick someone else into the apartment just gave this dude a key and didn't say a word. Now the apartment was a mess at this point I'm not even gonna lie about that. However this guy comes in un announced and demands that we clean up cuz his apartment ain't gonna look this especially when he brings his bit***es over. So we were all through with him from day one and asked that he be moved somehwere else but it fell on deaf ears. Between the disgusting girls, the constant weed smoking and other drug use, and just his general disrespect of me I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. It got so bad that on more than one occasion I seriouslly considered killing him. It was at this time I decided that at the end of this semester I was going back to pittbsurgh. The plan was to go back to ccac for one semester and return to virginia union next fall. Well that is not how it worked out at all. I think I will stop here for now seeing as there is alot more to the story and this is already an insanely long entry. So with that I say


Too Be Continued.......

well at one point i said i am going to be trying to stay more positive about things and not focus so much on the negative. too a degree it works but honestly there has been some stuff that has just been gnawing at me lately and I really just need to vent something awful. see the truth is i am tired not just physically but mentally and even spiritually. I'm tired of not being appreciated for what i do and instead being told that there is more that i could do all that does is make me not want to do anything at all because its just going to be the same thing over and over this goes for work and home its always show more initiative well hell how about some positive reinforcement or some help for once geez i watch other people get rewarded for doing nothing and i get told i'm not doing enough. i'm tired of my job for real for real the majority of the people i work with are cool and thats a blessing but jon is sick of the job itself. I'm really sick of being single or more accurately being just friends. Always having to hold back not being able to say how i really feel cuz now its not a good time that kind of stuff is murder, but noooo you have to keep your mouth shut let things grow over time see what happens but in reality its always gonna be sumthin if its not school its grad school if its not that its career and then all of a sudden meets some flashy guy with lots of money and good looks and gets swept off her feet when you could've sworn they said that stuff doesn't matter to them. you know next time i read this i'm prolly gonna be all like "geez what was wrong with me that night" but this is how i feel right this moment. i'm frustrated because i can't be the man i want to be or that i was supposed to be. life isn't fair blah blah blah blah thats what they always say thats friggin obvious if life was fair i wouldn't be in love with a girl who just wants to be my friend i mean i'm really confused about this right now. she says lets just be friends and see what happens down the line my friends say if you want to be with someone you should just be with them otherwise you need to let them go but i don't want to let her go i love being around her i love talking to her i love the sound of her voice, her smile, her sense of humor, when she hugs me and i suddenlly feel ok, her pursuit of excellence, even when she is mad its so cute, i mean she is the last thing i think about when i go to bed and the first thing on my mind when i wake up that has to mean something it has to count for something but i can't tell her any of that cuz then i risk losing her period and not even having her as a friend. i dunno what else to say all i know is that all the options i see all lead to bad outcomes and i get hurt no matter what .


GOD HELP ME

I WANT CD'S!!!! I WANT DVD'S!!!!

Hey guess what everyone Jon is bored I know I know its hard to believe so what does jon do when he is bored well in this instance he makes list of stuff he wants (tv is occupied so no videogames right now)

Here are some cd's I want please feel free to purchase these for Jon cuz he is a nice man

1. The Strange Fruit Project - The Healing http://www.strangefruitproject.com

2. J Dilla - The Shining http://www.bbemusic.com

3. The Brand New Heavies - Heavy Rhyme Experience Volume 1 http://www.deliciousvinyl.com

Now Some DVD's

ALL SIX STAR WARS DVD'S!!!!!

7. Superman Returns

8. Madea's Family Reunion

Thus concludes my latest fit of materialism please come back again or not since nobody reads this anyways

E-Z

4.

Man oh man alot can change in a short time well i guess 6 months since my last post isn't that long but i digress. So quick update for everybody not reading this. House is gone, have my own apartment now. some bad stuff is going on but everything isn't all bad which brings me to my point here. After some introspection i've realized that i focus entireley too much on the negative things in my life when in truth despite these things I have alot to be thankful for. It is my belief that if you don't show you are grateful for what you do have then it is unlikely that God will add more too you. Why should he give you more if you aren't grateful for what you have its pretty much closing the door on yourself. Thats not saying you shouldn't want more and better not at all. Just make sure you are grateful for what you have and of equal importance be a good steward or in simplified terms take good care of it. I'm not talking about just material possesions here but relationships with family, with friends, jobs (as opposed to not working at all and maybe living in the streets) . Take joy in things big and small. With that said I decided I am going to list some of the things I am thankful for in my life

1. Friendship
I am so thankful for each and every one of my friends they have shown time and time again they are here for me no matter what and i try to be the same for them. wether its just too talk, hang out or even if something bad is about too happen they are there. On a special not I am extremely thankful for the friendship I have with a special young lady. Over the time i have spent getting too know her I can honestlly say she has become one of my best friends, and I extremely grateful to have her as part of my life.

2. My Apartment
With the way things went down with the house things could've been alot worse but i have an apartment i have a comfortable place to live. Its no palace but i don't need a palace everything works right i have no issues with my neighbors its not a bad neighborhood. If you ask me its pretty darn good for a first place

3. My Job
I work for Whole Foods Market its a great company with great benefits and it treats the emplyees very well especially compared to echostar and honestlly alot of other companies out there. Sure I'm only a cashier but I have worked there less than a year and have already seen two wage increases it enables me to keep food on my table gas in my car and my rent paid admittedlly i need to do a better job managing my money but i'm working on it.

4. School
I may not have finished but I started and thats more than so many people can say alot of people get an opportunity to go to college but alot more don't, and I am going to finish its just a matter of time. At least the opportunity to start came for me and the opportunity to finish is around the corner i believe.

5. Video Games
Oh the mad man i would be without them its the perfect thing to just take me out of my head for a little while just kind of go into a fantasy and forget about all the craziness for a while. I LOVE MY GAME SYSTEMS lol

6. My Computer
It Works and I spend alot of time online what else can i really say lol

7. Chinese Food
I could eat it almost everyday

8. Mexican Food
Ditto

9. Good Music
There is alot of good music out there its just harder to find these days and that is yet another thing that kind of helps take you out of your head for a bit i mean what else do i need to say if you know me or you've read this crazy thing before you get the idea lol

10. Cologne
what i like to smell good despite what my friend vekk says lol


Well i am gonna stop there cuz i have to finish putting my laundry away and well too be perfectly honest I don't want to type anymore (^_^) so until next time wether it be a day from now or another 6 months

E-Z

Love, Music, & Eviction Threats



Well today I did something I haven’t done in a while. For anybody who has known me longer than a year they know that I have a little bit of an addiction. Try as I might to fight it I always seem to come back to it. I know it’s a bad habit but I continue. That habit is buying cd’s thats right Jon is a music junky. In the last two weeks I have bought 4 cd’s and I am planning on getting one more. Last week I got the new Five Deez album Kommunicator which I am loving and today alone I bought BE by Common, The Soul Mixtape by DJ Jazzy Jeff, and Right About Now: The Sucka Free Mixtape by Talib Kweli. Now before you start laughing at me I only payed full price for Five Deez as it turns out the Sam Goody near me is closing down and the cd’s were cheaper than normal so I got some deals. I plan on buying one more cd and that would be Donuts by the late great J Dilla aka Jay Dee. I gotta get that one I mean first of all the man passed away only days after the release of his album and furthermore its just tight then I am going to take a break and fight my addiction for a while. Now I might’ve forgotten to mention that I did my cd buying while hanging out with my friend Colin hold on a sec lemme check......yep I did. Well now you know and anyway we also rented some movies but due to me having to return to the retched place aka my house we only watched one and that just happened to be Stewie Griffin the untold story which was hilarious. I love family guy so much although it wasn’t nearly as bad as they made it out to be as far as language and stuff even though I think that was part of the joke having people wonder how far they would take it. It was hilarious though. So after the fun I get to come home to the retched place and be threatened to be kicked out of a house we are about to lose anyway (more on that another day) because my room isn’t clean and the kitchen isn’t cleaned all the way. Now little does the diabetic hypocrite know but I would like nothing more to be out of the house away from her and on my own. However due to multiple financial issues the majority of which are my fault I can’t afford most of the apartments around here and even if I could my credit sucks so that just might be an issue too. I really hate getting treated like a criminal and terrible son just because I don’t like cleaning. I’m also tired of being constantly being disrespected and then expected to respond with the utmost respect. Last time I checked in order to get respect you had to earn it by giving it. I have never done drugs, I have never come home or been drunk at all in fact about 2 years ago I gave up alcohol all together. I don’t try and bring girls home or any of that other mess. I don’t do these things out of respect for myself and respect for her but it doesn’t seem to matter. I’d love to tell her this but it never works I have tried believe you me I have tried. All I know is somebody is going to be very sad and sitting around wondering why her son never calls or comes around anymore. That sounds bad, and to be honest it hurts to say it and to think it I do not want things that way but that seems how it is going to end up if things don’t change soon . I know this taking a bit of a depressing turn here but I needed to vent and to be honest that is why I started blogging in the first place. So I could say what is on my mind with minimal consequences at least I hope minimal. Well I think I shall end there. So until next time check out these websites for more info on the cd's i bought today

http://www.rapsterrecords.com
httP://www.common-music.com
http://www.groovinusa.com
http://www.talibkweli.com

I would've put them as links but my brain isn't working right at the moment and i can't get the links to show up.

until next time

E-Z