I often think to myself "man I wish I would've done this differentlly" or "how could i let that person get to me like that", or if only I had done this better instead of half assing it where would I be now". To some although not many I can imagine you think things can't be that bad well to understand why I feel the way I do about my life you would have to know how I got here so here in a nutshell is my story. Its winter turning into spring 1999 I'm a Senior at Cheswick Christian Academy, and for the first time ever I am actually somewhat enjoying school. I'm getting along pretty well with everyone most of the time, I'm back on the basketball team things at home are cool for the most part. I also went on my first and sadly up until last year my only date to my prom.Then a slight bump in the road due to a complete and utter lack of effort I am failing bible class and barely passing the others. Its a shame really I'm a christian I should at least be passing bible but nope I wasn't however my teacher Mr. Rosio who I guess saw some potential in me throws me a bone and says if i do i believe it was three extra credit oral presentations as well as get an A on the final he will pass me and allow me to graduate. So naturally and also with much shall we say motivation from my mother I did the projects got an A on the final and graduated on time. In the course of these events I determined on my own that I was not ready to go away to college yet I needed to take at least a year to mature some more and get a good feel for what college was like so I enrolled at ccac. Good plan actually as it turns out I love college I was finally learning something new, I had more spare time than I knew what do with also I mean some days I was done by noon and I'd just do my homework and then just chill the rest of the day. I also got my liscense and my first car during this period which was fantastic. Most importantlly I realized I'm a pretty smart guy after all my teachers in k-12th weren't blowing smoke I really did have potential. I found out by putting minimal effort in I could get by pretty nicely in classes. So the next semester I decided to put even more effort in and made the deans list. The kid who barely made it out of high school was on the deans list. After this I decided I was ready to strike out on my own somewhat and move from under the watchful eye of my mother. I applied and was accepted to virginia union university a historically black college in richmond virginia. This was always the plan as I had seen VUU on a college tour when I was a junior in high school and was pretty taken with the school. So here comes move in day I get to the dorms and frankly I'm not impressed I'm actually having 2nd thoughts but then I think to myself I've seen what the dorms are like at Pitt this'll do. So move in goes pretty smooth I meet my roomate later in the day real nice guy from Queens New York, he and I get along well I wouldn't say we were good friends but we were cool and respected each others space and thats all you really need in a roomie. So classes begin and I am needless to say excited I'm finally at college its like a dream I'm thinkin its gonna be like one of my favorite shows growing up "A Different World". Well that wasn't exactly the case. I'm sorry to say that most of my brothers and sisters at the school were concerned with three things alcohol sex and drugs. I tried not to let it phase me but it was unerving because this was the image I had of Pitt, IUP, and Penn State not and HBCU. Moving on though classes were cool but the math class I had was easily one of the most difficult things I had ever encountered but between studying and tutoring i eeked out a C in the class. Unfortunately I got too comfortable in my dorm room and with my new friends Roderick, Gamal, James, and Eddie. I stopped going to class and doing homework I just wanted to play videogames and surf the net and occasionally walk to Virginia Commonwealth Universities campus nearby. So I failed my business class and Literature class huge dissapointment end of semester. Spring rolls around and its time for round 2 a few minor changes happend. Eddie has some financial issues so he stays home my original roomie Enos moved into the honors dorm but he deserved so i wasn't mad and so to prevent getting a roomie i don't want my friend gamal moves into my room....what an adventure that was. So new semester begins I get to take an art class retake my business class and take the next level of the math class and blah blah blah. Something is wrong this semester first i get so sick i am delirious and wind up missing a few test but since in my delirious state i did not have the foresight and possiblly the ability to go the infirmary I had no exscuse and therefore had to take failing grades on the test. Fast forward a little bit later in the semester for reasons still unclear to me I developed i severe case of depression it got so bad that I actually litearlly quit. I quit living I didn't go to class or hang with my friends I just stayed in bed and got up only to go to the bathroom and eat when i felt like it. The worst of it lasted for about 2 weeks but then i finally went back to class and explained what happened to some of my proffesors and they were pretty understanding and gave me the opportunity to catch up to a degree but I still wasn't right and didn't put forth enough effort. In fact in the business course we had to do what they titled a scavenger hunt which honestly to this day I still think was a stupid idea but oh well. We were supposed to go to different areas of richmond like the cultural district the childrens museum among other things and take pictures or get souvenirs and write up descriptions of them and turn them in...this was a fairly big chunk of our grades. Well in the 1st semester I never even attempted to do it so when I retook th class you'd think I would've went ahead and gotten it done....nope well almost. My mother had come down a few days early to help me pack and make moving back home as easy as possible she could tell something was wrong with me. Mothers seem to have a talent for that. She eventually got it out of me all that had been going on and I told her that I just wasn't going to do the project it was pointless and there was no way I could finish in time. I couldn't have been more wrong. We put off packing and got the entire thing done in a day and turned in the next morning, and I managed to pass that class somehow. Sadly I failed just about everything else. However due to my credits and gpa from ccac my gpa only fell to a 2.0 so I was on academic probation due to my performance but I would have to tank really really bad the next semester in order to be in danger of being expelled. Now its summer and I have alot to think about there is a class that I decide to take so I can get out of having to deal with a certain teacher at VUU. The class is Biology I take it at CCAC. Too most it would seem like a good idea to knock the class out of the way but for me it wasn't my mind was not where it needed to be for me to be in school not at all. So I tanked again and due to this I don't even tell VUU that I took the class and they wouldn't have accepted a failing grade anyways. Now summer was short because for some reason VUU decided that upperclassmen need to return on august 9th of that year. Meanwhile I am all the time during the summer thinking to myself I am not ready to go back to school I need time to figure out whats going on with me and get my head right again. I made the cardinal mistake though of not telling my mother this, and at that time she was probablly the one person who could've helped me get ready or at least withdrawn me from school so I could take the time I needed, but I chose to stay silent and suffered for it. This semester was doomed from the start. Now the school had a policy that if you wanted to guarantee housing on campus you had to have it paid by a certain date and if you wanted to reserve a specific room you had to have it in earlier. So my mother and I made sure that we had the payment in because even though i kind of wanted to live off campus that would've cost more money than my mom was willing to spend and i didn't really relish the idea of working full time and going to school just to live off campus. So over the summer I am waiting and waiting for my housing confirmation and quite a few times called the school and inquired if everything was ok with housing. Each time it was the same answer "don't worry you had your reservation in on time we're just really behind getting those mailed out you should have it before you get down here for the fall semester". I was dumb enough to believe them. When we get down there I go through the whole check in process I go sign in get my new id picture taken and ask for my room assignment fully expecting that myself and my previous roomie Gamal would be in the same dorm we had before. They sent me over to the dorm and I ask for the keys and my name isn't on the list. Surely there must be a mistake here. I go to the housing office and find an extremely long line with quite a few familiar faces and a few unfamiliar ones too. they hurd us into the auditorium and say we'll explain everythhing in a few moments. Several hours later they come in and tell us that the school excepted a record number of freshmen due to the lowering the academic standards to get in and they did not have enough room for the upperclassmen because of this. However they procured off campus apartments for us the one bedroom apartments would have two in them and they had some two bedroom apartments that would have 4 people living in them at once. How lovely. So I figure well at least I can try and get Gamal or Roderick to be one of the roomies since i was assigned to a two bedroom. However the school somehow lost Gamal's transcripts and his record of payment so at that moment he was not eligible for housing or anything else. I call Roderick because he isn't down yet he wasn't going to be able to leave until the next day and ask him if its okay if I sign him up for that apartment and I explain to him all that went down. He says okay so I signed his name for him. So I move in to the apartment and meet my two roomates Lamar and Larry who preffered to be known as Junior. Nice enough guys but I still couldn't wait for Roderick to get down there so I at least had someone I knew down there. Sadly I find out a few days later that Rod won't be coming to VUU that semester due to the fact that the school forgot they actually forgot to file his financial aid forms for that semester so rather than force his family into bankruptcy he chose to sit out the semester and work. Good decision honestly. Gamal got his stuff straightened out but was assigned to another apartment building. Fine as it turns out I get a room to myself which I have to say was friggin sweet. It also turns out Lamar and I have a decent amount in common and get along well, and Junior while he was into some stuff that I wasn't was respectful enough not to do it around me. So it was all good for a time. I was dissapointed to find out that a few of my favorite proffesors that I was looking forward to taking classes with had either left the school or were "asked" to retire, but I figured oh well still some I like and a few new ones who I can give a chance. So the semester starts off alright I'm kinda sorta trying to put some effort in but not really, and I didn't waste anytime missing classes cuz oh darn i missed the shuttle to campus or eh it wasn't anything important today in class. In fact at one point there was one class I missed so many times I actually forgot I was in it. I'll repeat that. I forgot I was in a class how incredibly beyond lazy and stupid can someone be. Here is the thing there is no exscuse for this. Part of me wishes I could say well its because I was drinking alot or I got into drugs but its not. I have never done drugs and I was still under 21 so I didn't drink either. I had come to the point where I stopped caring I just wanted to do my own thing forget the consequences. I did end up dropping the class before it was too late though. It is easily one of the lowest points of my life it still just surreal that I actually did that. Now on top of this the biology teacher I was trying to avoid I got stuck with. This poor exscuse for a human being by the name of Dr. Chambers. He ranks easily in the top 3 of the worst teachers I have ever had. This man on the first day of class said to us "The first course I taught at this school I had 28 students 25 of which failed so I have no issue failing any of you". That just filled all of us with confidence the man basically said most of you are going to fail and I am going to enjoy it (he was smirking when he said the previous statement). In most cases he was less than helpful and his arrogance really got too me. However me bening the genius I was at the time decided that I'd show him by not doing any of the reading or studying...thus making him right. Again I say I am not proud of this I was an idiot and I also want to reiterate that I should not have been in school then. Then depression began to rear its ugly head I think its because at that time deep down inside I was wasting a wonderful opportunity and i knew I should've stayed home. Then bad news I find out from my father he has prostate cancer and will have to undergo surgery this really ate me up. My father and I don't have the greatest relationship but I love him period he is still my dad and this had me really really worried. Not too many days after this I hear a rumor that Aaliyah had died in a plane crash I figured it was a lie seeing as just a few weeks earlier everyone was saying Eminem was killed in a car crash. The later that night I found out that the Aaliyah rumor was true she really was dead. Now I have never met Aaliyah, never been to one of her concerts, and despite honestly really liking her music never owned any of her cd's. Yet for some reason I took it really really hard for some reason I felt as if I sustained a major major loss. My emotions were just really out of control at this point and my mind was everywhere but school. Meanwhile I did have a good art teacher whom I liked alot and I did put forth a little bit of effort in his class and I gave a mild effort in my business class and I was also thinking about how I need to really start trying again and also maybe get a job so I don't have to worry about money as much. Then one september morning I am on my way to school for a test in the management and I am listening to the Russ Parr morning show on the radio as always. I was half listening half doing some last minute studying when I thought I heard him say a plane hit a building. I look up thinking to myself ok he has done some wacky stuff but this isn't funny. Then i hear clearly. The world trade center was hit by a plane and as he was saying this the 2nd tower was hit also. I was absolutely numb I had no idea what to think. I went in and took the test anyway but my mind wasn't on it so I don't remember but I don't think I did well. Affterwards I ask my prof if she has heard any new news about the planes and she said yes that something hit the pentagon too. My heart immediately sank. My father at that time worked at the pentagon and I was afraid I had lost him. I actually between that building and the commuter lounge had made up my mind that if my father was gone I was going to join the millitaty and tell them that I want to be sent to wherever the person behind this is because I am going to be the one to kill them. We all know thats not what would've happened but if you were in my shoes you may think the same thing. Thankfully I found out he is ok and his leave for surgery started a day earlier. Now I could talk about how horrible 9-11 was all day but really other than what i've said its not that relevant to the story and honestlly it still stings to this day. Now for the first two and a half months of school despite my acadmeic career tanking by my own doing socially things were ok my roomies were cool as I mentioned before and I had a room to myself. Howerver the school decided without telling us to stick someone else into the apartment just gave this dude a key and didn't say a word. Now the apartment was a mess at this point I'm not even gonna lie about that. However this guy comes in un announced and demands that we clean up cuz his apartment ain't gonna look this especially when he brings his bit***es over. So we were all through with him from day one and asked that he be moved somehwere else but it fell on deaf ears. Between the disgusting girls, the constant weed smoking and other drug use, and just his general disrespect of me I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. It got so bad that on more than one occasion I seriouslly considered killing him. It was at this time I decided that at the end of this semester I was going back to pittbsurgh. The plan was to go back to ccac for one semester and return to virginia union next fall. Well that is not how it worked out at all. I think I will stop here for now seeing as there is alot more to the story and this is already an insanely long entry. So with that I say


Too Be Continued.......