well at one point i said i am going to be trying to stay more positive about things and not focus so much on the negative. too a degree it works but honestly there has been some stuff that has just been gnawing at me lately and I really just need to vent something awful. see the truth is i am tired not just physically but mentally and even spiritually. I'm tired of not being appreciated for what i do and instead being told that there is more that i could do all that does is make me not want to do anything at all because its just going to be the same thing over and over this goes for work and home its always show more initiative well hell how about some positive reinforcement or some help for once geez i watch other people get rewarded for doing nothing and i get told i'm not doing enough. i'm tired of my job for real for real the majority of the people i work with are cool and thats a blessing but jon is sick of the job itself. I'm really sick of being single or more accurately being just friends. Always having to hold back not being able to say how i really feel cuz now its not a good time that kind of stuff is murder, but noooo you have to keep your mouth shut let things grow over time see what happens but in reality its always gonna be sumthin if its not school its grad school if its not that its career and then all of a sudden meets some flashy guy with lots of money and good looks and gets swept off her feet when you could've sworn they said that stuff doesn't matter to them. you know next time i read this i'm prolly gonna be all like "geez what was wrong with me that night" but this is how i feel right this moment. i'm frustrated because i can't be the man i want to be or that i was supposed to be. life isn't fair blah blah blah blah thats what they always say thats friggin obvious if life was fair i wouldn't be in love with a girl who just wants to be my friend i mean i'm really confused about this right now. she says lets just be friends and see what happens down the line my friends say if you want to be with someone you should just be with them otherwise you need to let them go but i don't want to let her go i love being around her i love talking to her i love the sound of her voice, her smile, her sense of humor, when she hugs me and i suddenlly feel ok, her pursuit of excellence, even when she is mad its so cute, i mean she is the last thing i think about when i go to bed and the first thing on my mind when i wake up that has to mean something it has to count for something but i can't tell her any of that cuz then i risk losing her period and not even having her as a friend. i dunno what else to say all i know is that all the options i see all lead to bad outcomes and i get hurt no matter what .


GOD HELP ME